Thursday, March 1, 2018

Take the Fifth Year

Now that Hell(Home) has frozen over in the worst national snowstorm I've seen in years and my anniversary has come around, I guess it's time to overcome some of the crushing anxiety, depression and awkwardness of having gone quiet for so long to celebrate that... I still exist.

If only for myself and only for posterity, after five years, I still hold my name and work close to heart. I don't really know if anyone else is still out there, heck I can't even see across the street most of the time with the blizzards, but for what it's worth - I am here. I haven't abandoned what I started and what I've built up, though I've often asked myself what I should really do with anything at this point. 

It might be stupid, it might not be right, most of what I do might not be what "should" be done, but you know what? That sort of mentality is what's made getting up such a struggle. Get up? Why are you down? You shouldn't be down, you should always be up, always infallible. You're not? Well you just don't measure up and should stay there if you can't do it.

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the superficial expectations born of flippant remarks and fear of people who most likely don't exist. Even now I'm just second-guessing everything to the sound of snide comebacks that probably no one but me will think. Except they probably will, but will never voice it. No one will say anything either way so it's fine to just do what I want anyway, right?

It may be stupid, but whether or not anyone still cares, I'm still here. Suffice to say, the past year got worse before it showed any sign of getting better and I don't want to think about it, so let's forget it happened, yeah? Practically that should have been the entirety of this post but I guess I had venting to do. 

In lieu of Starcraft SCV puns in the title, this video sums things up pretty well.

For anyone still holding out hope, modestly, in earnest or otherwise, there are some stars in my sky. There have been people that defy all expectations and fears, people that keep me together. The video really gets me since at the end of all the depression and loneliness, there really is still a surprise "BOOM, BABY!" Marauder Marine ready to turn things around.

I don't want to talk about them here and now or make it look like I'm just saying the same crap again but there are hopes and plans for the future.

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